Posts Tagged "self-help"
Changing my stripes
I don’t follow my own advice or observations.
While I know I can be a bit of a handful at times, I am, for the most part, kind of easy going but I am proud and a bit rebellious, especially when I feel that my independence is being threatened. I become bitter and resentful even though I acquiesce. Sure I might actually eventually agree it was a good idea but either way, it’s not a good trait to have.
It has gotten me into plenty of trouble but it has also been my defense mechanism. A little outdated yes, but it was how I coped. With what exactly? A little bit of everything. I needed to have my rights, strengths and abilities acknowledged, yet whenever I was tossed aside, I could pick my head up, wrapped myself in my pride and think to myself, that’s okay. I didn’t need them anyway. And move on from there. It was often the only thing I had left.
But that attitude is self-serving and destructive if anything.
Is it wrong to want to my feelings to be understood and acknowledged? Absolutely not but there are proper ways of gaining that validation and it’s not going to be from reluctantly going along with the program while silently sulking. It won’t happen from brushing off others’ concerns while forcing my perception down their throat as diligently as possible. I can’t yell my way into validation.
I am a fighter. I always have been, carefully nurtured through various experiences but I can’t fight this way anymore. It’s a losing proposition and I’m risking way more than I could ever bear to lose. Instead of adapting to new environs, I’m trying to cram the world to fit me.
Nor is this about winning or losing. When I stop to think about it, there has been a subtle power struggle going on. But what’s the point in “winning” if I ultimately lose? My pride won’t be so comforting then.
So this is my way to letting go. Of letting go of that insane need to be right, of feeling as if I always need to be the leader, of insincere humility and rebellion. It’s been a long time coming and I know the road won’t be easy or quick or any of the lovely things we all long our personal changes can be made. There won’t be any snap of my fingers or magical poofs. It’ll be a learning process but a necessary, albeit late, lesson.
Last night I took that first step. I prayed that God shows me my path, that He breaks this age old spirit of pride and rebellion and teaches me what true humility is so that He is able to add to me what I thought I’d be losing.
I can’t change other people. All I can do is relate how I feel and hope they make the necessary changes. It’s up to me to focus on what I need to do to better my end. I need to let the ones that matter know just how much they matter. I need to just be and remember that it’s not a sign of weakness to allow someone who so desires to step in and take care of me.
It’s a sign of strength and trust.
We can do this together. And so it begins.
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