A couple of weekends ago I finally watched the Amazing Spider-Man with the mister. I thought it was a great movie and I really enjoyed it and felt it was well done. A lot better than the Tobey Maguire versions.
What I wasn’t expecting was the emotional reaction I had to the film. Fans of the comic book know that Uncle Ben dies (and Gwen’s dad, which I totally saw coming but was still caught off-guard. Oh, uh, spoiler alert) and the way they portrayed his death and the after-effects with Aunt May exclaiming how she couldn’t sleep and watching Peter listen to an old voicemail from Uncle Ben really made me think about my dad. It was hard to push through the rest of the movie and I was a sobbing mess by the end of it. Not so much because of what happened but because of the emotions that were stirred up within me.
It’s been almost 3 years since my dad passed away and while I think I’m relatively okay, I know there are still…I’m not sure I’d say unresolved feelings but it’s still a very tender and emotional thing for me. It’s been so long and I realized I never really had a big, cleansing cry. No one knows how you’re supposed to grieve. Everyone reacts differently and I always just expected to have a really big, massive ugly cry and be okay afterwards. But I never had that emotional release.
My dad died and we had to instantly move into the transition mode. I didn’t really have time to think, “Oh what are we going to do?” We had to immediately figure out what to do. We had funeral arrangements to make, people and organizations to notify, and affairs to get in order. I spent the whole first year dealing with that, house hunting and moving, and finishing school. I’ve had smaller moments when I’ve had to cry and I’m sad but I haven’t sat and just bawled. Sometimes I wonder if I’m SUPPOSED to do that, if that’s something I should expect to do. Am I still experiencing these waves of sadness because I haven’t had that cleansing cry or really dealt with my emotions? Does it get easier than this? Am I going to be able to one day watch a movie with a father character dying and not cry because it reminds me of my dad?
I just don’t know. I guess the grieving process is never really done. At least, that’s been my experience so far. You’ll always kind of grieve in some way. I have my own triggers that brings me to tears. Grieving is just so singular. It’s weird because there’s no right way to do it and while I tell people that all the time, I haven’t really figured that out for myself just yet. I really wish there was a right answer. It’s just awkward. I feel like I’m just forever in this awkward stage. I can’t bring my dad back; we can only move forward. I just wish there was some kind of way to know that I was actually moving forward and not just treading water.
The mister has encouraged me to talk to a grief counselor and there really isn’t a reason why I shouldn’t. I can come up with several stupid reasons not to but nothing that resembles a real reason. I just need to know that it’s okay to feel the way that I do. It’s okay to cry every once in a while when something reminds me of him or because I’m just sad. It’s okay that I didn’t sit and have a big cry and it’s okay if I never have that big cry. It’s okay to still feel like this just happened even though it’s been almost 3 years. That it’s okay to feel this way because this is exactly how I feel. I can’t be wrong; there’s no wrong way to feel and that’s okay.
I just really need to know that it’s okay.